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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

2 Years After Miscarrying Grieving



*Let me start off by saying I haven't lost baby number 3, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. I am just sharing my thoughts on losing our twins back in 2014. *

Our Miscarriage Story: Click Here to Read

Mother's Day, Mom of 4

Early this past December, I watched the movie The Light Between Oceans. It was such a great movie! Everything about it was just so well played. The story is a sad one filled with loss and tragedy. It starts as a romance between a light house keeper back in the 1920's I believe, and he falls in love with a girl, they decide to quickly marry and she moves into the light keeper's house with him on the island. They are happy as can be and over joyed when they find out they are expecting their first child. Late one night while he is away at the light house, she begins having labor pains and ends up losing the baby late in pregnancy. Again they get pregnant and lose their second child. She becomes depressed and wants nothing but to have a baby of their own, when suddenly while lying on her babies graves, she hears what sounds like the cry of a baby. Her husband runs to the ocean while yelling for his wife to come and they find a baby on a small boat that washed up with a man's dead ( the baby's father). The couple decide to keep the child as their own and act like no baby was ever found on shore with a dead man.

Anyways, all that to say I didn't expect for it to be a movie about the loss of a child let alone two. As I watched it, I began to sob. I cried and cried. I could not hold a tear back and began to just break down. I was by myself late at night in the living room and I just could not stop crying.

I realized I never really let myself grieve the loss of my two sweet babies growing in my womb. When we got pregnant with the twins, we only had Noah and I felt as if I needed to keep strong and move forward and not let this loss bring me down. I needed to function for my child.

I miscarried early on in pregnancy but it still really hurts my heart when I look back and think of them, what they would have been like, who they would look like, would it have been a boy and a girl or would it have been two girls or two boys? So many things I think about when I think of them. I will always carry them in my heart. I like to think that when I go outside and see two butterflies or two bunnies running around or two pretty birds flying, that it's them letting me know they are fine and happy. I know there is no one to blame when it comes to miscarrying but I do wonder why we lost them. You never think you could be that 1 in 4 to miscarry. The physical pain your body experiences while miscarrying is just like delivering a baby except you don't bring life into the world. It's such an empty feeling.

It's been 2 1/2 years since we lost them. They would be turning 2 years old on January 22nd. I miss them just as much as I did when I found out we had no heart beats. I love them just like I love my two sweet boys and the boy growing inside of me now. I will always think of my two sweet angels and dream of holding them in my arms and kissing their sweet chubby cheeks. Some day I will hold them and kiss them and look into their big beautiful eyes. Even in sorrow, I thank my God for all of it. Only he knows why we go through certain pain in our lives. We may never fully understand it but I will still rejoice in him and all that he has done for us.

I'm blessed with such an incredible husband that is always there to lift me up when I am down and to hold me when I just need to cry. That night, he woke up and saw me, and just held me. He held me so tight and let me know how much he loved me and how strong I am. He shared with me that he thinks of them too and misses them. He told me not to be scared of losing this baby I am carrying now, that everything is going to be okay. He was so loving and gave me what I needed that night. He also told me it was okay to cry .

If you've gone through this pain I want you to know there is hope. It's not your fault and you WILL feel better in time. I promise.

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