I Reached My Breaking Point

There's a difference between being vulnerable and over sharing. Have you noticed that trend on instagram where people share everything and anything and get praised for their vulnerability ? To be quite honest, I'm not a fan of those posts. Some genuinely seem to need to vent but a lot of those I think "[Cringe Face] they should really not have posted that"...
Well, today, I think I'm about to make others cringe with this post because I've reached my breaking point and I can't keep all my emotions in any longer. This is literally me right now, in real time letting it out. My family just left without me to attend church because I just could not take it anymore. Any of it.

Life just seems so out of my control no matter how hard I try to line everything up, it just never happens the way I hoped it would. Let me just share what I'm talking about.

• our engagement. I feel like I pushed him into asking me to marry him. I feel awful looking back for doing that because if he would have done it in his time, or if I would have let him chase me, we would probably have been to a better start. A better start meaning being financially stable, older more mature and we would have had time to plan.

• our wedding. We eloped. Of course I dreamed of a big beautiful wedding but things happened that was way out of our control and we just wanted to marry to be in accordance with our beliefs. My mom and step dad physically & mentally abused me for years and David took me in. We lived together in his apartment for a month and a half and decided that we needed to be as pure as possible and couldn't live together if we were not married. So we quickly planned a courthouse wedding with all of our parents, yes even my mother even though she disagreed. I worked at the time and went to school. David was an emt. That year was the hardest most difficult year in our marriage. We had no idea what we were doing but we were doing it and doing it on our own. ( I need to make a post about the relationship with my mother. I can't keep acting like everything is okay.)
• We married, we had Noah who was our everything! From when I got pregnant with him, I had to stop working because my job was based on being a student in college and I couldn't do that, work and be pregnant all at once so I quit. Ever since we have been a one income family and it's been extremely difficult to make it but we always find a way. I've made it a point to always provide in the little ways that I can and that has been through photography, selling finds online, or refinishing furniture. I even babysat for a while on weekends and David would stay home with Noah and Levi but after having our third, it became a lot harder to do any of those things.
• Financially, it's been just so hard to ever have enough. God does put people in our lives though that have blessed us over and over again. Even now it's a struggle but look at us, we are all healthy and have food to eat even when we think we won't. A couple of years ago we were doing so bad, David was fired from his SoCal Gas job for ridiculous reasons, and I was weeks away from giving birth to our rainbow baby, Levi. So many people from that job sent us money to be delivered by his work friend when I gave birth to Levi, that It helped us get by for a couple of months. God was so good to us through out that time. Levi has always been our ray of light in the darkest times. 
• fast forward to being pregnant with Benjamin. We felt we needed to think ahead and think of the space we'd need with having 3 kids and the money we would need to save too. So what did we think was the best option for us? Moving. Moving to the cheapest area to live in around so cal. Bakersfield. 2 hours away from where we had always lived but so very affordable. BIG MISTAKE.  That's where it went downhill for me and even for David. I became so depressed. Everyday was a battle to get up and tend to my 4 and 2 year old. Looking back puts me in tears at how bad of a mom I was to them. I kept going though. I kept pushing through. We didn't have anyone but each other. And I was determined to not become a mom that just stayed indoors all the time with her kids. I would yell, I would spank, I would scream, I would cry... It was the most difficult time. David was suffering on a more physical level, having to wake up 2 hours earlier which meant he was up by 3am, gone by 4am... back home at 5 or 6pm and asleep by 9pm. Oh and we had a newborn along with a 4 and 2 year old. The neighborhood we moved into wasn't the safest. Helicopters hovered above our home every night, news stories of shootings and stabbings were an everyday occurrence and even I witnessed a man beating a woman in a car while driving... I tried to help and he blocked my car only to start to pull what seemed like a gun out of his side from the window. Obviously I sped out of there and never went out on my own at night again. It was miserable. We lasted 7 months in Bakersfield before we abruptly decided we needed to move before our lease agreement was up and we'd have to sign on for a whole year if we didn't. So that's what we did. Some of our parents think we did this to ourselves but we had no other option. We were trying to do what was best for our family and it just didn't work out. I then moved into my dad's house who he shares with his wife. I lived  there for five weeks just me and my 3 little boys while david lived with his mom 3 hours south of us to be able to work at his job. We saved and moved into the house we live in now.
• 3 kids has been hard. Its a lot. 3 kids ages 6, 3 and 1 is so so hard. 3 kids, a kindergartner, a 3 year old and a 1 year old and being pregnant.... is insane. I always wanted a big family, kids everywhere and a house full of happiness. But I knew I wanted to wait 3-4 years before adding number 4. Well, that too didn't happen as planned. And we're not idiotic, we kept track and were careful about everything and I can't help but be "cliché" and say God had a different plan. We are pregnant with number four and yes it is a blessing, I know it is, I've miscarried...but it just felt like it's the wrong time. Noah just started kindergarten at a private school and the other two need me 24/7. I was ready to get myself to be myself again and start  doing things for me and my family. I was ready to start photographing again or working whatever side jobs I could do and it just isn't possible now nor will it be for a long time. I'm not saying this baby is a mistake but Im not going to lie and say it's what we hoped for at this moment. 
• Help! We are not blessed with having help like most 20 something years olds have with their kids. It's all on us all the time. The most help we have is my best friend who is always willing to help me with watching one or all the boys for me when I really need to get something done. But she too is busy with her two kids and homeschooling. She's a saint with a heart of gold. David's mom is also the only one we have but she too still has her daughter living at home and she lives 45 minutes away, but she has helped here and there for a few hours at a time for when I have an apt. Dates don't happen, the last date we had was in August and it's not like we could really afford it anyway.People often say "date your spouse!" we wish we had that option but this season like I keep saying , is just hard.

I know this is a lot and I'm opening up a lot but I feel like I need to. I don't have many people I can trust and it's super hard to let anyone in because trust has been an issue in the past with friends and some family. 

I know this is coming off as me being ungrateful to some of you, I'm not. It's just been years of the same battles. Same things to overcome. Same finincial issues, same family issues ... And I think it has a lot to do with David and I becoming the first generation of breaking the chains of divorce in the family, abuse, addiction and anger. We've vowed to each other to stick through this together, to provide a new start beginning with our children so they may pass on the inheritance of not having those things that have broken our families in past generations. We want to make a change. We want a fresh clean good start. And if there's one thing we can control it is what we pass down to our kids. I think that is why God is allowing the turbulence to happen, so he can mold us into becoming strong leaders, strong influencers for our children and for our children's children. It all begins with us. I know I am capable of doing this life I've been dealt, no matter how much negativity surrounds me because I am breaking the mold of my past and of my generation's pasts. Same with David. We are all given the choice of living the life we've been dealt or making a change for the better. I choose the better and to walk alongside with God. 

This baby is bringing growth, appreciation and love back into my heart. I'm feeling that connection that wasn't there for half of the pregnancy  and I'm ready to be entrusted with another little life to raise here on Earth. 

Deuteronomy 28:4

The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock-- the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.