It's saturday May 11, 2019 and I'm sitting in my room reminiscing and looking at old photos from when Noah was a baby.
I can't help but envy who I used to be. A good mom. A happy mom. A healthy mom. An overachieving mom. A fun mom. A skinny mom. A mom that only had one focus in mind and that was Noah and being the best wife she could be.
What happened to that young bright and excited for life person I used to be? How did I let myself start worrying so much about what everyone else thinks and forget to just enjoy life and take it with a breeze?
I've learned a lot from friendships and toxic relationships and what to accept and how to forgive, but one thing I haven't quite gotten down is how to stop the toxic relationship with myself. I'm hard on myself. I truly am my own worst critic. I let my mind make up things that are not true about myself and I get carried away. I believe the lies in my head that tell me "you're not good enough, you're not beautiful, you're not doing enough, you're fat, you're ...etc..." I want to become myself again. That girl 5 to 10 years ago that had so much potential and confidence. I want to be her. I will become her. I'm sorry that I let myself be ruled by others' and my own negativity. I am letting go. And I am forgiving myself.
Currently I am overweight. I can't seem to go down but I am working out and walking everyday. I'm cooking my meals at home and trying not to let it consume me too much. I know that my body was able to do amazing wonderful things by growing 4 perfectly healthy boys and for that I am thankful.
 |
| Levi peeing in the background |
 |
| Me maybe 2 months ago. One month old Ethan. |
 |
| Me right before being married. |
 |
| Me one year after having Noah. |
I know that I left my recovery post kind of hanging in the air, I just wanted to wait to write about it until I was feeling better. Recovery after baby number four was definitely different than all the others and a lot more painful. The first week I felt good! Almost back to normal you could say but I think that's where I should have slowed my pace. I'm not one to stay inside, I love to be out and about but now I know that when you're in those first six weeks after having a baby, it's time that needs to be spent letting your body rest as much as possible. Which is very hard to do with four littles in tow. I began having pain and discomfort and I googled what I had been feeling. From all that I could find online it seemed to me that I was at the beginning stage of prolapsing. I freaked. How?! I had never heard of anything like this in my life! A prolapse can happen in 3 different forms for women. There's a bladder prolapse, prolapse of the uterus and rectal prolapse. Basically your organ begins to descend to your vagina and can even come all the way out when it's severe! I gave it until my 6 week appointment to get seen and I am glad I did because I allowed for time to pass and my body to keep healing. When I went in, my OB explained what a prolapse is and how it happens. She took a look and said I am not prolapsing. Phew! That was music to my ears. She assured me that after having four kids things take and will take a little bit longer with getting back to the way it was. As scary as it was to think I was possibly prolapsing, It's scarier to think this isn't talked about anywhere. I am 28 years old and have never heard of a prolapse. After looking online and getting most of my answers from there, I found that there are plenty of ways of strengthening your pelvic floor muscles and thats by doing different pelvic floor exercises . I am not 100 % sure that you can cure it by doing so but you can strengthen those muscles again to avoid other issues.
I wish growing up and older came with a How TO manual. If only...
Having 4 kids 6 and under back to back is and has been the hardest job I've ever had but it has been rewarding. I do miss them when they sleep and I do want them to stay little. I just need to learn patience in every aspect. I choose Happy from here on.
Hope Mother's Day is everything it should be to all the wonderful moms out there!
No comments:
Post a Comment