In His Hands

19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

James 1:19

Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I'm afraid of how I might be affecting someone. Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I'm afraid of my life, our content being out in the world. Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I'm afraid of what people will think of me and us.
Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking everyday is as pretty as a picture I share.
Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I think I have nothing to look forward to and I might be too boring.
Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I'm afraid my playful self might be misinterpreted for immaturity .
Sometimes I stop blogging on here because I don't want to be judged for how we live our life as Christians.


There's plenty more things I fear while sharing on here but I don't want to list it all. The point is I need to focus on my reason for blogging. Why I started blogging back in 2009. I wanted yes, to be one of those super cool and fashionable bloggers with an exciting life that would share tutorials on different things they make. But my number one reason for starting my blog was for myself. I felt this was my way of getting my journaling done and reminding myself of my passions, dreams and aspirations . I wanted to be able to look back at my life, my growth and all that we have been through as a family.

Another thing that keeps me from blogging is when I am experiencing hardships in life with people. Broken relationships, end of friendships and being unhappy with my own self. I feel the need to not share when I am going through those moments. I'm realizing that, that would most likely be the best time to journal. To get my feelings out with what is currently going on. Not to gossip but to simply express myself. Who knows, maybe one or two of you that read this might be going through something similar . And as far as I know and what I like, I always seek to see that someone else in the world has experienced what I have experienced .

I watched the movie I Can Only Imagine yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching the relationship between my mother and I on screen. The emotional and physical abuse of growing up in a household full of hate, full of anger and full of demons not yet faced by truth. The movie ends with the guy forgiving his father for everything that has happened and the father fully gives his life to Jesus.
That's the thing, in my heart I don't have hate. I don't wish ill. I do and have forgiven. But what if the situation just isn't safe? What if the other person has not changed and keeps going back rather than forward. I've heard plenty of times that sometimes you just have to love from a distance. And yes I have been doing that but what kind of a life are we living as believers if we don't live among sinners. Love on them like Jesus did.

Safety first? or living a Christ like life first?

Proverbs 13:20 New International Version (NIV)

20 

Walk with the wise and become wise,

    for a companion of fools suffers harm.

And what about relationships that feel so one ended? Relationships that constantly "leave the ball on your court?" How is that even a relationship? That's not. It takes two to make a relationship work and it should NEVER be one ended. Relationships/ friendships are meant to be honest. They are meant to be a fellowship among believers to help one another grow and strengthen each other. They are not meant to break anyone down so low. IT TAKES TWO. And it takes an open and loving heart.

Whether or not you agree with me, I live my life based on the teachings of the bible. Let me rephrase that, I try , I try to live my life that way. Do I always get it right, heck no. But I try. I don't live my life trying to make anyone feel lesser than I. My intentions are never to hurt. My intentions are to live an honest life of love and to offer myself any way I can.

Sometimes that's all you can do and the rest is in God's hands. Not a ball in anyone's court but in God's hands. I hope this gets to whoever needs this.

All this to also say that I'm not going to stop being me. I'm not going to let the let downs in life keep me from living a full life. God made me to be myself and that's what I am going to keep doing.  So hopefully I can devote more time to posting and sharing on here and opening up a little more. Until next time!

Time To Catch Up!

I feel like my "regular " posts have become me catching up because I stop blogging for months and then I have to fill you all back in on what's been going on.

First I need to apologize for this posts not having any pictures included.. I've yet to buy an external hard drive for my laptop and at the moment it's not something I "need" to spend money on so I won't until I can.

A lot , A lot ... has happened in the past 5ish months since not blogging. I get into a funk of not wanting to share, not caring to share our life and than it just settles and I stop blogging. But I've felt in my heart the need to share and document for personal reasons. I know a few of you message me when I stop blogging and encourage me to keep blogging, I really appreciate that. =) I love knowing that someone is taking time out of their busy life to read about mine. Thank you.

I guess I will just start off but naming off the different events that have occurred.

1.) Noah is in Kindergarten.

 For years we (my husband and I) went back and forth as to whether or not we would homeschool or have our son attend school. I did many lessons with my boys here at home and in the summer, we decided it would be best for him to attend school. Homeschooling became a little too overwhelming for me. I don't know if it was me comparing myself to other homeschool moms or the fact that my house was never quiet enough to have my five year old concentrate on his work without interruptions from the others. We don't have a regular babysitter to have someone take the two other littles so I had to try and keep a 3 and 1year old occupied and out of trouble while doing lessons with Noah. It was too hard for me. I also found that for me to keep my sanity I need at least some part of the day or night for myself. I was using nap or night time to look for different lessons for my sons and it was too draining on me. The most alone time I get with my husband is night when the boys go to sleep (8pm) and that time is sacred to me. I love having time with my husband, even if all we do is snack and watch The office.

So Noah is now attending a Christian Elementary school, yes it costs money to have him attend and yes its tight on one income, but this is what we decided was best for him for now.


2.) I'm Pregnant with baby #4!!!

Ahhhh... Not how I wanted to announce on the blog but it's basically already announced through the instagram widget on here anyway..
Yup we are expecting Baby number Four in February 2019! I'll write a post about how and when we found out and my feelings on it all.
This is another reason why we decided not to homeschool Noah. This season is so so ... different... difficult? I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but dang....
The baby will be born half way through Noah's school year so I want to make sure he's getting the proper education during the day while I give the baby the proper attention he needs. (Hint Hint... gender reveal !)

3.) Money Struggles

 with this part of the update I know our current situation is based on our past mistakes we've made so I am not blaming or wanting a pitty party for what we are going through, I am just sharing.
Since finding out about baby number four, we've began budgeting with an actual spreadsheet an figuring out where our money is going and being used for. Something we probably should have began doing years ago but are just now learning on our own and trying to correct our financial status.
A little background on how it all started

When David and I married through the court, we were living together. Not because thats what we wanted but because the situation in my then household was not safe for me and he was the only place I had to go. We married without any financial support and had to make due with our two incomes. At the time, I was the breadwinner but I was only working part time and attending college. David was working his butt off being an EMT and applying to become a firefighter. We barely had enough for rent and gas and just enough food. We never did anything extra and really didn't spend more than we had but there were a few situations where we had to find a way... Helloooooo Credit card debt. I had 3 credit cards I would use to buy food, clothes and my school supplies. We bought what we bought and time passed and those were never paid off and went yearsssss ... I mean years people, without ever being able to afford to pay them. Then came kids and moving and cars and bad decisions and now  we need another car because we are still in our 5 seater small car..... Basically we don't have many options now because of poor credit and we are running out of time until baby arrives.


What I should have done is paid off the car in multiple monthly payments so we'd be done with it, use our tax return ; my earned side hustle money ( babysitting, furniture projects and photography) to all go towards paying off stuff that needed to be paid off.

Now that we know , Now that we care, we are buckling down and working towards a zero based budget. Every dollar has a place and if it means we miss out on a few fun things this year, than that's what we'll do. We know better now and I want our kids to grow up with the knowledge that we've attained about budgeting and the importance of it.

I've really grown to be passionate about learning the financial aspects of life people have advice on . I'm learning and praying that it sticks and that we get out of this rut we've been in for a long time.

Goodbye goodwill days and "clearance shopping".

4.) 7 Years Married!

This past August we celebrated 7 years being married! No 7 year itch here, we're just getting started on the good stuff ;)

5.) I turned 28

 Okay, there should have been a warning that once you get closer to the Big 3-0, no one cares.... hahahaha!
But really, it was a quiet birthday this year!


That's basically the gist of what's been going on over here. I'm going to set myself a regular posting schedule. I'd like to post 2-3x a week and will really buckle down to do so. So if you're reading this and interested, click my follow button to get notified on when I post ;)

The Truth

It hit me yesterday that I might be becoming someone I don't want to be. You know the people on social media that have beautiful pictures that depict the perfect life we all want. I'm not saying my pictures do that but they might be misleading to our actual life or emotions we might be feeling at the moment.
Don't get me wrong, our life is definitely not horrible or bad at all but I have been down in the dumps lately.

Before having Benjamin, I was terrified to be a mom of three 4 and under. I felt like the only thing I did all day was stay in sweat pants, no make up and yell at the kids. How was I supposed to add one more to the mix and keep my cool?
I'm still working on that but God has really walked me through every second of the day and given me energy and patience that I did not have before. It's been difficult yes but it IS doable. And I'm doing it.

Another emotion I've been currently feeling is being homesick.
I know, I know, we moved because this was what we wanted so I thought, and what we could afford. It might be because of having the baby and how sweet and helpful everyone has been these past two weeks but I just want to be surrounded by my family and friends. I get super sad thinking about it and how bad I want to be back in my town where I know and recognize people and places.

This past Sunday we attended our church in Camarillo and the service was about how it's good to fellowship and talk your emotions out with fellow believers so that you are lifted up.
So afterward I reached out to a couple of sweet ladies I've known there and cried out to them telling them how I feel. I got such real feedback it made me feel so much better. My friend (mind you she has 4 little ones and looks so well put together every Sunday and volunteers) told me that it's okay to feel this way, that having a third baby can mess with your emotions and it takes time to find your routine. She even said that if it takes feeding them a chocolate bar for dinner so I can rest or do what I have to, it is okay. We can always get back on track later but I need to also take care of myself and find that time to be okay.
Another friend also texted me telling this ( feeling homesick) is temporary and it will pass. That we will find our happy place and this is just a "for now" thing.

"By helping each other with your troubles, you obey the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

My mom and my dad have been super sweet and caring as well, considering my emotions and sending me prayer texts and support. I'm telling you, I'm really missing all my people.

I know this will pass and whether or not we stay in this new city or not, time will pass and this feeling will be one of the past. The kids will grow and I will miss them being little and not having a routine to our daily life. But for now I choose to embrace this new season and make the best of it. I have 3 beautiful healthy boys that love one another and a beautiful little house that suites us for now where I can enjoy seeing my boys run all around in.

 So here are the steps we learned at church to help us handle difficult times the way Jesus intends us to :

1.) Respecting and Resolving feelings 
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

2.)Reaching out to others

3.) Refusing to be Bitter
"Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you... it causes deep trouble hurting many in their spiritual lives." Hebrews 12:15

4.) Refocusing on the Truth
Matthew 26:31

5.) Relying on the Truth
" I have learned the secret of being happy at any tie in everything that happens, I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength ." Philippians 4:13

> Lean on Christ
>Go to Christ for Direction
>Trust in Christ for Salvation


I want to remember even these difficult moments because I know I will look back and see God's work in me, providing me with the strength I need to overcome this funk.

I hope this might also help anyone reading this going through anything in their life. It too shall pass.